film | No sale

The few honest-to-God funny moments in the alleged comedy EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH come from the casting of pop tart Jessica Simpson as a new cashier at a Costco-ish bulk store, who, rumor has it, will totally sleep with any co-worker who wins the titular honor. Sure, her big-screen debut in last year's Dukes of Hazzard merely required her to jiggle, look sexy in cut-offs, and pronounce the word "undercarriage" with a Georgian accent, but Employee needs her to be convincing as an engaging romantic lead. She's not, of course, which might be why the movie doesn't seem to give her a lot of dialogue (her big line: "Now, that is some of the best chicken parmesan i've ever had!") or much to do beyond reacting to comedian du jour Dane Cook — who plays the shelf-stocker pining for her sweet, sweet ass — with precisely three different expressions: A) "You're silly!"; B) "I'm pretty!"; and C) "You think i'm pretty, too!" It's almost amusing to watch the film go out of its way to avoid making Simpson do anything but flash her obnoxiously bright smile. Almost.

But let's be honest: Employee of the Month would've sucked even with a legit actress in the role, and that's because its life-on-the-clock farce can't hold a price-scanner to the wickedly sharp and hilariously real portrayals of workplace malaise and management politicking in The Good Girl, Office Space and The 40-Year-Old Virgin. No, Employee is quite content to stay on frat-boy turf: blows to the crotch, homophobic jibes, and fart humor (first gas-passing: seven minutes in) — the type of predictable slacker hijinks that polluted Grandma's Boy, You, Me and Dupree and, oh, about seven or eight other stinkers released in the past year. give Cook a little credit: He's not bad, and he's wisely playing to his 15-to-25-year-old male fan base, but i couldn't shake the feeling that this is exactly the kind of flick he'd rag on in one of his exhaustingly loud stand-up routines. He's quieter here. trying to woo Simpson with charm, compliments and a date cribbed from John Hughes' Career Opportunities — cuz, gee, who wouldn't want to bang a chick who'll do you only if you nab a meaningless superlative? His chief rival: a jerky clerk (Dax Shepard) who's adored by customers because he turns his checkout lane into a floor show. Yeah, right. I don't know anyone who'd subject themselves to a longer wait in line just to see some guy flip their economy-sized bottle of Wesson behind his back like he's Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Pass the jumbo Tylenol. D