reMedia!

An entertainment blog that pops culture right in the kisser.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

film | There's not enough Bactine in the world

I can speak no good about SEE NO EVIL, another one of those boilerplate horror endeavors where teen blood spatter is everywhere, imagination or novelty value are not, and the ill-lit, sepia-toned über-grime — as well as the quick-buck genre familiarity — that permeates every frame may lead you to wonder if the movie was written, cast and shot on the mucky Saw sets while that crew was on an extended lunch break at T.G.I. Friday's. Sure, See No Evil is terrifying ... if you're Martha Stewart. Everybody else will probably be less concerned with whether their favorite characters survive than if the actors playing them got tetanus shots and checked for mange when filming wrapped.

Wait. Favorite characters? Characters? Bahaha.

Anyway, you might find more tension and excitement on any given WWE Friday Night Smackdown, an apt comparison since See No Evil is the debut release from the new movie division of World Wrestling Entertainment, which explains the presence of professional bodyslammer Kane (née Glen Jacobs) as the mad slasher, which, in turn, epitomizes how see no evil has little appeal beyond indiscriminate gorehounds who double as the niche that knows their tombstone piledrivers from their falling powerbombs. His victims: a crew of horny, mouthy and/or dumbass delinquent youths who must refurbish an abandoned hotel — his rust-encrusted lair — to shave time off their juvie sentences. In the lone morbidly creative fatality, Kane (think: Uncle Fester on anabolic steroids) crams a cell phone down the throat of the obligatory blonde bimbo, but director Gregory Dark stops the scene before it reaches the sicko zenith he promises. Sheesh. You'd think an auteur who's worked mostly in porn — New Wave Hookers, Hootermania and, my personal fave, Between the Cheeks 2 — would at least come through with the money shot. D

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