film | The clone bores

March 7, 2004. A phone rings somewhere in Hollywood.

CHARLIZE THERON: Hello.

HALLE BERRY: Charlize? Hey, it's Halle! And I have Angelina here on three-way!

CHARLIZE: Wow, hi! How are you ladies?

ANGELINA JOLIE: Char, we wanted to congratulate you on your Oscar victory a week ago. You were absolutely terrific in Monster.

CHARLIZE: Thanks, Angie. It's so nice of you to say that.

HALLE: Listen, Char. We also hoped you'd take a bit of unsolicited advice from ... you know, a couple gals who've been there and done that.

CHARLIZE: Sure.

HALLE: Well, the first thing I thought when i won the 2002 Best Actress Academy Award for Monster's Ball was, how soon can I slide into a sexy superheroic costume and kick some bad-guy ass? And this July, Catwoman's gonna turn all the other big-budget blockbusters into kitty litter!

ANGELINA: And after my Oscar for Girl, Interrupted in 2000, Tomb Raider was a huge hit for me just the next year!

HALLE: That Oscar was for Best Supporting Actress, right?

CHARLIZE: But wait, Angie. Didn't the second Tomb Raider flop?

ANGELINA: You never let a sequel eclipse the original, my dear.

CHARLIZE: Oh. Hmmm ...

HALLE: Anyway, Char, I read in variety that you were thinking of jumping on board that Æon Flux movie over at Paramount, and all I can say is, go for it. Such a good career move. You've proved that you're a serious actress, and now it's time for serious action!

CHARLIZE: Gee, that sounds ... pretty neat, Hal. I'll do it!

HALLE: Fabulous! It's gonna be terrific. We'll see you at the premiere.

ANGELINA: Bye, Char!

CHARLIZE: Thanks! I'm excited! Talk to you both soon!

Charlize disconnects. Beat.

ANGELINA: Do you think she bought it?

HALLE: Oh yeah. And now I'll only have to wait about 18 months until the inevitable sting of Catwoman is forgotten by critics and audiences everywhere, as a new acclaimed actress follows up a mantlepiece of year-end honors with a totally miscalculated and costly star vehicle in which her boobs should rightfully receive top billing!

Thunder and lightening.

ANGELINA: Dumb question, Hal. If you're so confident Catwoman will bomb, why'd you sign up for it?

HALLE: Are you kidding? The pay was great. Plus, during the fight sequences, I got to beat the living shit outta Sharon Stone.

ANGELINA: Lucky!

Curtain.

In short, hell yeah, ÆON FLUX outbads Catwoman. At least stretches of Catwoman were unknowingly goofy camp. But someone sure forgot to flick on Æon's mirth switch, as it appears that everybody in this adaptation of the 1995 anime shorts from MTV's Liquid Television is utterly bored to death with the material. And understandably so: As Theron's leather-clad rebel operative kicks, slugs, vaults, somersaults and handsprings her way through the totalitarian enemy forces that rule the movie's plague-ravaged future-world metropolis, this lifeless sci-fi migraine merely recycles the dullest ideas and moments from The Island, The Matrix and Logan's Run. Director Karyn Kusama (Girlfight) even bungles the numerous action scenes, shooting them in maddening close-ups that further the kind of cluelessly clunky aura you'd find in the cinematic turkeys Mystery Science Theater 3000 used to roast. And oh, MST3K would have a field day with the unfortunate wardrobe choices for supporting performers Frances McDormand — yes, that Frances McDormand — and Pete Postlethwaite (In the Name of the Father), who looks like he's wearing something from the Taco Bell value menu. Meanwhile, Hotel Rwanda's Sophie Okenedo plays an acrobatic ally of Theron's with a second set of hands where her feet should be. This bit of quirkiness never really pays off, but it did make me think that if i had four middle fingers, I'd point most of them at Æon Flux. D