film | Not worth the weight

Ryan Reynolds spends the opening scenes of the thoroughly charmless farce JUST FRIENDS kvetching in a latex fat suit and perm wig that make him resemble the offspring of a butternut squash and The Greatest American Hero. It's a relief, really, since just when you thought he'd get typecast as a snarky jackass yet again — Van Wilder, Blade: Trinity, Waiting ..., take your pick — he does something totally different: He plays an insecure, overweight teen who grows up to be a snarky jackass. This requires a few awkward flashbacks worth of him shoving cookies in his mouth and singing along to Boyz II Men's "I Swear" as he unrequitedly pines for his platonic gal pal (The Butterfly Effect's Amy Smart) on the night of their high school graduation. She politely rebuffs his advances, because, well, would you date the genetic hybrid of farm-fresh produce and William Katt? And then the movie jumps forward 10 years, at which point it's snarky-jackass business as usual.

Now a slimmed-down, jet-set, ladies'-man record executive in Los Angeles, Reynolds reluctantly revisits his roots after a party-monster pop diva (Scary Movie's Anna Faris, a genius at manic physical schtick) sets fire to their tour plane and forces an emergency layover near his suburban hometown. You know the rest: He bumps into his old crush, misunderstandings and contrivances abound, there's a false crisis followed by a downbeat musical montage, and then she realizes she loves him right on time for the end credits. but Reynolds' role is written to be such a self-enchanted dolt — always doing and saying exactly the wrong thing simply to prolong the inevitable happily-ever-after with a series of cheap, unfunny gags — that the film clangs, sputters and utterly fails in its attempts to develop a convincing romantic angle. (No, seriously — never before has a comedy labored so hard at creating so little mirth.) Director Roger Kumble (Cruel Intentions) strains for the balance of sweetly engaging and purposefully crude that turned The 40-Year-Old Virgin into gold, but he's made The 90-Minute Migraine instead. D-